If you cannot find the dream job for a long time or enter the desired university, it is the easiest way to blame your parents. And if you go to reception to a therapist, you will probably still have a couple of injuries from childhood. We explain why the notion of "childhood trauma" is greatly exaggerated, and an adult person must be responsible for his or her life. And if you do not want to get an academic trauma due to an incomplete assignment, place an order on essaytwist.com.
Some psychologists joyfully exclaim with any question about the unsuccessful life (relationships, career, family): "It is all from childhood! My dear, you have a trauma! Did your mother abuse you? – Yes. – Oh, you have a toxic mother. You must immediately stop relationship with her. – But we have good relationship, I do not take offense at it, it was because ... – You just have a victim complex. Sometimes a victim can fall in love with someone who mocks him or her. You need a therapy. Pay money for the reception at the cash desk".
It is enough to hate parents for an incautious hit or angrily spoken phrase. All of us are traumatized. Broken arms and legs are the same injuries, only not mental ones. But it comes to mind to no one to cherish memories of plastered limbs for years. In fact, a trauma is just an experience. It is strange, why did experience in an ordinary family—with all disagreements, quarrels, strict or, conversely, indifferent approach to education—suddenly become equated almost to a crime with respect to a person? Parents who were grumpy, deprived of the necessary degree of empathy, and with other shortcomings all of a sudden were proclaimed toxic ones.
Let Us Talk About It
Let us understand the terminology. A toxic parent is someone who engages in psychological or physical violence all the time. This is not the one who, tired of queues, lack of money and reproaches of a teacher, sometimes broke down and yelled like a victim, not forgetting about cuff on the nape.
The category of toxic parents also includes quite adequate people who are to blame for some reason because their children, adult people, do not have love and money because of laziness, stupidity, lack of patience or conviction that everyone should arrange their life and comfort. There is a feeling that we really have something to lose. But this is a distorted reality.
Our parents do not go to psychologists. They do not write in social networks (this is also a therapy). Many have not learned to feel themselves.
The motto "Do what you like" causes aggression among older generation. Parents are the whole world, the generational layer, closed to us. We take offense at them for not trying to understand us and really not knowing us. But answer the question: what do you know about your parents and are you trying to understand them?
Toxic ones are simply strict parents who raise children in difficult conditions, and emotionally cold parents who have not received enough love in their childhood. Nevertheless, the toxic parents do not grow the worst children (compared to, like, the "normal"). And that is why.
1. Severity + Rigid Discipline = Responsibility
A mother-tyrant forced children to learn from childhood because she wanted them to grow up and become independent. She demanded that her blunderers be the best and the first. Strong and successful. So that they will not repeat her fate. What is bad about it? Of course, this method is forcible. It is even worse because of the fact that such a mother, alas, will not teach her children to just be happy. But they can learn this by themselves in adulthood. These goals are quite good and the result is impressive. British scientists have proved that children of strict mothers are much more successful and responsible than their peers who tasted liberal education.
Yes, it is hard to forget coercion, tears and cold. It is necessary just to accept this, not to forget, but to concentrate on what opportunities education was given to children. The difference between adults and children is that the latter are responsible for their life and are able to turn lemon into lemonade.
2. Pursuit of Success = Many Achievements
A child who has been accustomed to living in the preparation to the next Olympiad mode since childhood does not know how to enjoy life when nothing happens in it. Pleasure from all these sunspots on the lawn, bathing sparrows in the dust, working routine, quiet family evenings and other charms of being is not understandable to a person tuned in for success. Life is beautiful only if the next height is taken. The rest is decay, interval from an accomplishment to a fulfillment. Therefore, there are probably many accomplishments.
3. Minimum of Praise = Purposefulness
A toxic mother does not notice success of her child. When children perfectly finish a school year or enter a university, she declares: "This is normal." And no "You are genius!". It is a shame, of course. But it is because of the lack of praise that children are rarely satisfied with what has already been achieved in adulthood. That is, after a deafening applause, they do not settle down on the sofa with a blissful smile, but think: "What is next?". They go forward only for the sake of a process, not a result. And they will never become losers. If business does not bring pleasure and money – they will find something else. Is their music career over? They will design clothes. Is it bad? If you omit the Buddhist whine about the value of the moment (which is good only in the Facebook format), what is wrong with the fact that people are constantly striving?
4. Constant Criticism and Pressure = Personal Boundaries
A toxic mother interferes in the adult life of the child. Therefore, children who are tired of criticism very early move away from their family and stop communication. And then they calmly weave the net of their destiny without looking back at the maternal reaction. Life shows that this net is completely smooth and silky. In addition, these children are perfectly able to build personal boundaries and possess the skill of peremptory reasoning.
And here is another interesting thing. Children, who were praised in childhood, often grow up into quiet people, contented with ordinary life, rather than with a "stellar" one. They do not need to prove anything to anyone, to upload hundreds of photos of their own achievements in a social network. There is a family – this is excellent. There is work – great. There are children, friends, all communicate and make friends – perfect. In fact, such a love for simple life, without sparkles and tinsel, is just fine. But such people are unfairly criticized, accused of dementia and slovenliness, and at the same time, one suspects that they are really unhappy and envy everyone. But this is not the case. They move the world forward as perfectionists, but they do it in the rear, not in the van.
It is just that we are all different. And this is normal. Different childhood, different destinies, different parents whom we cannot change and who do not have to justify our expectations. As teenagers, we complain about our parents, then about our spouses, and then about our own children. It is a pity that many of us did not feel the power of unconditional maternal love, this cannot be corrected. But constructive use of bitter experience is in our hands. And it was such parents, imperfect and terrible, who brought up such a beautiful person as you. Or do you not agree?